Anonymous Rex

Anonymous Rex (Anonymous Jordan )

If you set out to seek freedom, you must learn before all things Mastery over sense and soul, lest your wayward desirings, Lest your undisciplined members lead you now this way, now that way. Chaste be your mind and your body, and subject to you and obedient, Serving solely to seek their appointed goal and objective. None learns the secret of freedom, save only by way of control.   Bonhoeffer (1947)

When I was a kid, I spoke as a kid
And thought as a kid
But when I became a man (or something close)
I really stunk.

And I came to You
With my sin-greased heart
And said: If You exist I’d like your help
For I am neck-deep in water
With a millstone for a float;
I’m scared spitless by the thing I am
Or what I'll be If you don't pulverize me now
Or forgive.


And you did.

Both.




In an instant
Like an Hiroshima angel dipped in blood.
Everything erased: Your atom bomb of grace
Shattering my sin into oblivion.
And I stood before you like a naked lamb
or Adam, that first minute man,
and I looked to find my rancid heart
or that worm that had wormed its way
into my brain like some bad root
but it was gone, without a hole.
And I said to my soul:


Soul,
should someone ever come to you and say:
God's gospel is a myth,
or that Jesus is a kind of fairy dust for folks who need a fairy fix,
or simply a fine man
I would simply split my shirt like Superman
and show them blinding chrome.

NO!


No work of my mind or imagination
can dream my own forgiveness.
I cannot pull the mental trick of calling myself clean -
so as to believe it.
The change was tangible and real;
And no psyche lab
or theologian
will ever steal that from me.


NO, No No-one
Can ever take You from me!

But then, I who had been made cleaner than invisible glass
wasn't sure I liked the squeak.
Off-white is one thing, but who wants to look like iridescent snow.
So said I: Hey, God this is great! I believe, and all... and thanks.
But I really need a safety net. I wouldn't want to fall…
Or return like a dog ....
Just give me a thimble to wallow in.
Maybe something on the side.
I'll do my dirties in my head
and keep myself from doing greater harm.


And you replied: It's true: you won’t go blind
or die that fast...But, this forgiveness is compete and powerful.
Forget about the net and take my hand.
You don't need it.

But I persisted and said "please,"
then jerked my eyes to the side and said:
Hey, The Jews asked you for a king, against Your stated wish.
Could you show me just a little latitude?
Take into account my humanness and my need for pleasure?

And you, hard-pressed to impose pureness
where it isn't cherished, said: Sure--have a King!


And I did.

It should come as no surprise
this king, with beady wanting eyes
and a wanton heart
was not easily contained, or of royal birth.
He didn't want a single meal
Or a single bride.
He ate his meals atop of meals,
and couldn't stand the thought that any dream should fly,
unmolested.
Long last, he wore his welcome out
And I bid him bye, I wouldn't run a harem
or a whore-ville in my soul.


But he was bold, or cold
And wouldn't budge … told me that he'd starve
Or bang on pots Or scream.
Aughhhh!


I tried my best to lock him up, starve him or distract him.
Wrote him notes with Bible words
even waved a flag To God. I surrender I surrender.
But even though each plead was graced by His forgiveness
the power of that first time never came.
No blinding flash No blinding chrome,
And I am dipping daily in the blood.


But now my God I pray
For I have seen a fresh wind after winter.
Promises exploding like new flora -
I have seen my winter soul.


I know I am a worm.
I know I yearn for that which will undo me.
I know I am not strong
I know I play with fire (yet never much with flame)
But twenty-something years of smoking choke
and smolder in the rain is enough.

I put my pride out on the river like a burning boat.
And ask you once again,
Would you make me like Your first-time offer
of iridescent snow
without shame or haunted thirst...?


Lord, Kick this Bozo out.

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